So there’s this new ad campaign by JP Morgan & Chase that innocent folks such as myself are being subjected to on the tv and internet. It begins with the words:
Being a leader means moving fast …
that’s right. Being a leader in financial fraud and the wholesale looting of America does require moving fast, to cover your tracks and ensure “positive” publicity in the aftermath.
Across the country when the economy tumbled …
Hey economy ! Yeah, you. Clumsy piece of shit. Why’d you have to go and “tumble”? Not that anything we might have done could be in the slightest way been responsible for the “Great Tumble”.
J. P. Morgan & Chase set up new offices to work one-on-one with homeowners
… to make sure those dirty buggers didn’t take off without paying back those loans we never made to them.
Since 2009 we have helped 200,000 Americans keep their homes.
… 200,000 of our hardest working financial analysts and hedge-fund managers without whom this whole country, nay, the whole galaxy would … GO GALT ! Thanks America. Without your generous contributions those bonuses would never have been possible.
and we’re reaching out to small businesses too … and giving businesses the opportunity to ask for a second review if they feel their loans should have been approved.
So beneficently, magnanimous of our financial overlords. When they do not shower their mercies upon the poor fold they at least let you fill out a complaint form. Sniff.
This is how recoveries happen. Everyone doing their part.
The recovery of our collective corporate reputations from the gutter it fell into (oops). Of course, “everyone” must do their part. From us funding Republican victories to their funding our bonuses and estates. God bless America … and tax cuts for the rich !
This is the way forward …
Because we wouldn’t look back into the records of all our dirty tricks, now would be. That would be sooo depressing. And you can hardly find a decent Federal penitentiary with a decent laundry service these days!
In the background a musical score, full of harps and flutes and chirping birds, plays, reminding everyone once again, that “we are good” … at screwing you poor stupid bastards out of every penny you ever made.
[ I won’t even start about the vulgarities of another ad from the same people extolling the virtues of their latest products which “offer you financial flexibility and security”. Thanks but no thanks! ]